When Did Epona Learn To Swim?
by LittleBlueNayru
Summary: Random title, I know. Random Humorous Oneshot for my new "Something Glitchy" series. Guess what it's about? T because Link basically gets humorously killed by everything in Ordon.


Disclaimer: I don't own LoZ.

Well, this is the second of my "Something Glitchy" series, with "Something Glitchy" being the original. They have nothing to do with one another; I am just narrating two unrelated glitches.

I referenced the Gone Fishing Series and That's All?, but it doesn't matter if you haven't read those, it's still pretty funny without them.

And because I had no idea how to end it, the ending is borderline insane, in a violent kind of way. O.O" Yeah. So anyway, rated T for a violent Ilia, Epona, and basically any other animal in the game you can think or besides fish.

And I did torture Link in this one. Hot he may be, but it just ends up happening! I'm sorry Link!

Link: Link the Dark World you are...

me: Oh shush. You're just so easy to torture. It's really all your fault.

I found this on Youtube. It was posted my LegendaryMember, under the title "Drown Epona Glitch-Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess".

* * *

Epona's a SEAHORSE!!

Ilia was walking around Ordon Village one day, not really paying attention to anything, when she looked down the Ordon River to its base at the far end of town. Between the greens of grasses and trees, she could faintly make out Link, lying on his stomach on a flat outcropping of land by the edge of the water. The place he occupied could only be reached by swimming or canoe.

Ilia glanced at the dock and saw the canoe in its usual place. So Link had swam to the shore. He was focusing on something underwater, looking down so intently that Ilia had to restrain a laugh as she pictured a very feline Link watching a fish with the eyes of a beast.

With one last quiet giggle, Ilia turned away from Link and went on her way.

Sunset had come, casting an orange glow over Ordon Village. The village was now quiet save for some insects' calls and the creaking of the waterwheel. Ilia was walking back home, a basket of Cucco eggs in her hands, when she looked over at the end of the Ordon River.

Link was still there.

Ilia thought to giggle, but it was puzzling and a little worrying that Link should spend an entire day staring at the water. Knowing him, he would have normally tried to catch as many Ordon Catfish as he could. Tried and failed, that is.

Finally, Ilia grew too worried about her friend, and his sanity, to simply ignore him. She walked over to the dock, placing her egg basket inside with delicate care, before seating herself, picking up the paddle, and rowing gently over to Link.

Link appeared not to notice Ilia as she rowed to a stop beside him. His gaze was still fixed on the water.

"Um, Link?" Ilia said hesitantly.

Finally, Link looked up. "Oh, hey Ilia," he said cheerfully.

"What are you doing?" she asked. "You've been sitting there all day."

Link sat up, stretching and groaning as he did. "All day...? Wow, it didn't seem that looooong," he said, the words tangled up in a yawn.

Ilia sighed. Link had always been one to lose track of time. "Do you mind if I ask what you were doing?"

Link grinned as if he couldn't contain himself. "Why don't you look for yourself?" he asked slyly, pointing down into the water.

Curious, Ilia leaned over the side, and her eyes widened when she saw what Link had indicated.

"Link! How could you leave Epona at the bottom of the pond?!" she shrieked. "She's going to die!!!"

"Relax, Ilia!" Link said, attempting to ward off the girl's furious slaps. "She's been there all day."

Ilia paused, still angry but completely confused. "All _day??_"

"Yeah!" Link said. She's doing just fine. I'm not sure if she even notices she's underwater."

"How did you even get her there in the first place?" Ilia said, eyes narrowing in suspicion.

"Well, I left my house and started walking around the village, when I saw Epona by the huge tree. She was halfway into the ground!" Link said, eyes widening for effect.

This only served to make Ilia glare even more fiercely. "Go on."

"Anyway," Link said, oblivious to any danger, "I climbed onto the hill and got on her. I backed her into the ground, but when we were inside the hill, everything was white, and I could still see the village!"

"That's really creepy," Ilia remarked, hoping to get the Hylian when he was down.

"Yeah!" Link said, enthusiastic about the agreement. "So I walked Epona around the village. I walked behind here, backed her up, and then drove her into the water. Isn't it cool?!"

"_No!!_ It is _not_ 'cool'!" Ilia yelled. "That's horrible! Link, get her out of there right now!"

"Aw, she's fine, Ilia, and look, she gets a better bath then the ones you give her at the Ordon Spring!"

Link suddenly found himself getting smacked in the face with a paddle and pushed into the the pond.

"Ow...." he groaned as he surfaced, rubbing the side of his face. "You hit harder than Hena, you know?"

Ilia's face was red with anger, and she could not have possibly cared less who Hena was. She leaned down to Link's face and said in dangerously low, controlled tones, "Link, you swim back to the village and call Epona out of the pond, or I swear I will make you hurt ten times more than this "Hena" ever has."

Link sullenly glared up at Ilia and said, "Fine!", giving her a huff and swimming to the bank. While he would never show it, eve he was drained of courage at such a prospect. Mainly because with Hyrule citizens you couldn't hurt them back for however they hurt you. If a Bulbin stabbed you, you bombed it. It did not work the same for humans.

Ilia glared after the hero as he swam to the shore, pulled out the horse's call, and played the tune. Epona reared underwater and galloped up the riverbed to Link, head breaking the water and sending a spray on the hero. As annoyed as she was, she allowed herself a small smile as Link lifted his arms in front of him in a futile effort to stay dry.

"Geez," Link said, voice carrying over to Ilia at the pond. "No reason to get all worked up. See, Epona? Isn't Ilia too high-strung? You were fine down there, weren't you?"

Ilia frowned again as Epona neighed, but watched with wide eyes as the horse turned around and kicked Link, sending him flying over to Ilia and splashing into the pond.

Ilia doubled over with laughter, falling to her knees as Link surfaced, spitting water everywhere and spluttering indignantly with Epona neighed in town loudly.

"Goddesses!" He yelled. "First fish and now horses! Am I animal challenged or something? What's next?"

And that's when Sera's cat decided to pop its head out of the canoe Ilia had gotten to the shore in, and leap on Link, clawing at the poor hero's face.

Ilia, now suffocating from not getting a good breath, picked up the cat and rowed back to the village. In between gasps of breath, she called back to Link floundering in the water, "And that's why you treat animals with respect!"

Link glared after her muttering curses at everything. "Stupid Epona, stupid fish, stupid cat, stupid animal lover, stupid animals!" Then he turned around and noticed that monkeys, squirrels, birds, and the hawk were all giving him hate-filled glares, having heard his words. Link gave them a horrified look before they advanced, saying "Wolf or not, you're going to suffer for that!"

And the last words Link ever spoke were, "OH GODDESSES MAKE THEM GO AWAY SAVE ME-AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!"

* * *

Yeah. Like I said, quasi-insane/rabid.

So, what do you think? Review if you want, tell me if I should plan these things better, etc etc...

Never insult animals where they can hear you! In fact, never insult them at all! And treat animals with love, especially but not limited to your pets! Animal cruelty is horrible!

Link: But Hylian cruelty isn't??

me: Well it is, because your face doesn't deserve to get messed up, but the focus here is animals. So shush Mr. Hero.

Link: Grr...

REVIEW AND HAVE A NICE DAY! DON'T GET KICKED BY A HORSE! --Blue.


End file.
